Chivalry can be out of place

185

Dear Joan:
I am troubled by an incident that occurred to me and would appreciate your comments or a column on business etiquette or behavior for women in business.

Several weeks ago, I had an appointment to sign an advertising contract with a gentleman from out of town and we agreed to lunch. He made a point of ordering my food for me, as if we were on a date.

As we were returning to my office, he made the following remark, "Why don't you let yourself be the lady you are?" I assumed, correctly, that he meant let him open the car door for me, seat and unseat me, etc.

I made light of it at the time, but have wondered since how one should act in a business situation. I am fairly (some would say very) independent, own my own business and am the executive vice president of several others. I know this does not mean I should forsake my femininity, but it does not seem proper to me that it should be used in a business situation either.

I feel sure there must be other women who would appreciate your comments.

Answer:
This man is confusing social etiquette with business courtesy.

Behavior that is suitable on a date is unacceptable in a business setting. It presumes a personal relationship, whereas business manners are strictly impersonal.

Either this gentleman was interested in more than a business relationship, or he was behaving in a way he thought was "proper."

The problem is "proper behavior," that was drilled into little boys (and girls) as a part of their cultural conditioning, is based on a romantic and male-as-protector relationship: Men walk on the dangerous curb side so the sidewalk, jump from their seats when a woman enters the room, go through contortions on an elevator to allow women to go first. Men tell me they are just as uncomfortable as women when faced with these awkward situations; it's not easy to overcome a lifetime of training.

Says Betty Lehan Harragan in her article "Beyond Etiquette" (January 1985 "Working Woman Magazine"), "These obsolete codes are a disaster for women seeking equitable positions with men. If a woman conforms to the mechanistic formula, she puts herself in a weak, subservient position. Yet if she rejects these public artifices, she is viewed as hostile, pushy, ill-mannered - and non-promotable on those grounds. The result: another of the classic binds that strangle ambitious women."

So, what can replace romantic etiquette? How about common courtesy? Most etiquette is a mechanical reaction to cues. Courtesy is gender-neutral and bias-free.

As a general rule, women should take the initiative and indicate how they want to be treated. If they do it tactfully and graciously, the recipient will probably be grateful for the help. And don't forget your sense of humor; it will help you both shake the tension created by new behaviors.

Let's look at these situations in more detail.

·        Common sense dictates that whoever is near a door opens it and exits.

·        When the car is locked, the driver usually opens the passenger door first, then goes to the driver's side. If it's unlocked, all passengers find a door and get in.

·        Next time, make a clear move to open your own door, both to enter and exit. If he insists on opening it, don't make an issue out of it. However, beat him out of the car before he has time to protest.

·        When ordering food, simply say, "I'm ready to order" and don't discuss your choices in detail. If he presses you for detail, so that he can order for you, say, "Thank you, but I really prefer to order for myself."

·        The remark, "Why don't you let yourself be the lady you are?" implies such a profound lack of modern-day thinking, it seems hopeless to attempt an educational response.

In short, you need to ask yourself: Was he trying to gain the upper hand in business, making a pass at you, or was it simply a product of a different generation? If it's a generation issue, he'll probably never change. In any event, you could say, "I really don't feel that opening my own door and being a lady are mutually exclusive."

If you think the comment was sexually motivated, a clear signal indicating your position is necessary. In this case, making light of it may encourage him.

You didn't indicate which of you was the client in this business deal. Since you implied you had to sign the contract, it appears you are the client. If that is the case, more assertiveness on your part is needed to clarify your working relationship. If he's the client, you'll have to be the judge of how much of an issue you want to make of this. Common sense and common courtesy are the only answers.

Good luck and thanks for asking.