Don’t plan to change co-worker’s habits

222

Dear Joan:
I've held several jobs over the years and have a continuing problem with other employees, namely being deliberately intimidated by their use of vulgarity. I get sickened and depressed.

With peers, the obscenity isn't so much a problem in terms of keeping my job. I usually tell them of my displeasure, explain that their poor choice of words hurts communication by analyzing what they are actually trying to say, or I ignore their disgusting language!

But when my superiors use profanities to simply spite me or as some kind of power ploy, I'm kind of cornered into tolerating an upsetting kind of situation or finding another job.

I'm very clean, conscientious, college-educated, but inevitably get pitted into work environments with people who get some kind of perverted pleasure by speaking dirty to me.

I'm finally in a management position and find that I can now decry such abusive language and the power of intimidation in my subordinates. Other than losing staff (and looking like a poor manager), setting a good example, and letting employees know I don't like it, what am I to do?

Answer:
Making a moral judgment about co-workers is a dangerous thing to do. Since you imply that you have changed jobs because of your feelings, you probably have firsthand information about the perils of expressing your opinion.

My personal opinion is that an occasional expletive is inevitable in the workplace. Much depends on the nature of the business, however. Since a bank's culture is very customer-focused and conservative, for example, you would find little public cursing at the office. On a construction crew, the environment may be different.

I feel it is important to point out that you are a man. I will assume the vulgarity to which you refer is not directed at you personally or sexually. You haven't described the degree of vulgarity that is occurring, so I will assume they use the garden-variety four-letter words.

The problem, as I see it, rests in your phrases, "deliberately intimidated by others," "spite me," "power ploy," "perverted pleasure." In my opinion, I believe you feel that those around you are deliberately ignoring your moral principles and trying to harass you.

On the contrary, my observation has been that people use profanity to decompress and blow off steam when they are angry or stressed. They also use it when they feel the need to emphasize an emotional point. They typically don't use it to intimidate or hurt someone else.

What may have happened is that you have created resentment because you have judged others. Adults - especially angry or frustrated ones - will not take kindly to your attempt to correct their right to express their emotions the way they wish. People tend to resent their critics and project their anger toward them. If this has happened, you may have made the situation worse by calling attention to your displeasure.

Your superiors may be trying to tell you something. They may be attempting to illustrate that some cursing is tolerated in your culture. If you are not comfortable with that, I'd suggest you look for an environment where this will be less of a problem for you. You won't be able to change an entire culture and you'll make people angry if you try.

If you feel that you are being harassed, you may want to pursue legal action. However, you haven't given many details in your letter that would support that position. In addition, you have not mentioned reasons why this behavior would negatively affect the work being done, which could be a justifiable reason to go to your superiors with this concern. (For example, employees using vulgarity with customers present.)

Perhaps by ignoring their use of vulgarity, you will actually be able to de-emphasize it and cause it to diminish. The trick will be to manage yourself and not take it personally.

Confronting poor performance, or difficult behaviors, is difficult.  Joan Lloyd’s How to Coach & Give Feedback learning system is a step-by-step approach to giving feedback to your employees, your coworkers, or even your boss.  Actually reduces defensiveness and encourages open communication.  Now available in CD!