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Dear Joan:
I have a question concerning heart-to-heart meetings. A friend of mine is the president /founder/owner of his company and is a very caring, supportive leader. He has a director that manages 20 people and is a former military officer with a strong command and control approach. Over the years, the president has run interference to keep the employees happy while the director peppers them with tut-tut emails and rarely communicates other than to correct mistakes. An employee survey performed 2 ½ years ago indicated that this director was not pleasant to work for. It is now to the point that action must be taken. Employee engagement is down, turnover is up, complaints of all types are piling in and the owner is no longer able to avoid the ‘heart-to-heart’ meeting.
Generally, a heart-to-heart meeting implies that all previous attempts to change behavior in the subordinate have failed and it is time for an either-or decision. Unfortunately, many of the cases I have seen have (like this) festered for years and the unacceptable behavior has been tolerated and either rationalized or accommodated to the point that it is essentially a co-dependent relationship. When the senior person decides that it is time to fix the problem, they can (maybe justifiably) feel guilty about their culpability in getting to this point and the junior person can feel set-up and/or thrown under the bus for now being held accountable for something has been tolerated for years.
In this situation, a heart-to-heart is sure to be messy – possibly very messy with plenty of guilt, embarrassment, accusations, blame, etc. to go around. In these type cases, is it better to have the heart-to-heart a one-on-one meeting or should an observer be present? Any other advice on how to handle this situation would be appreciated?
Thanks in advance.
Answer:
The owner’s “kindness” is also his weakness. The kindest thing he could have done is have the heart-to-heart years ago…with ongoing feedback and coaching. He should have discussed the employee survey results with him and made it clear the director’s style needed to change. Running “interference” with the director’s employees only made the situation worse. The director has been led to believe his style is ok; the employees are upset because the owner hasn’t taken steps to change the director’s behavior; and the owner has wasted countless hours trying to make everyone happy.
The owner is going to need help, since he has demonstrated he lacks know how or willingness to speak directly about what he wants. If there is a human resources person, he or she may be able to coach the owner and attend the meeting. An outside coach could be very helpful as well. For example, when I have been brought into similar situations, to work with the director to modify his style, I coach the senior person, too. During the coaching process I provide support and tools, so the relationship and results continue into the future, long after I’m gone.
With this director, the owner needs to be matter of fact in his delivery. This is no time to waffle or pull his punches. He needn’t be apologetic, although he could admit he will be more direct in the future. If the director gets loud or argumentative, the owner should stay calm and stick to his message. But if the director blames or threatens, the owner can fire him.
If the owner decides the director is worth saving, he might tell him he is going to get a coach to help him change his behavior. If no coach will be provided, the owner will need to take on that role.
The owner will need to spell out the behavior he wants the director to change. He will also need to put some teeth into it. For example, he could tell him success in his job depends on it. He can explain the “why now?” by telling him the complaints and evidence have mounted and the owner must take this seriously.
Another alternative is to replace him. If you are in a at will state, he can fire him and provide him with a “package”, which can include severance and outplacement assistance, to find another job. Outplacement is a good benefit to offer in a case such as this, because the owner feels some responsibility for not stepping in sooner.
If the owner can’t overcome his conflict aversion, he is going to have many more problems in the future and likely stunt the growth of his business.
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