Pregnant employee could use kindness

399

Dear Joan:
I am a professional woman who has always prided myself on my ability to be a team player and get along at work but recently I have been struggling with a situation that makes me angry.

I am seven months pregnant with my second child and suddenly I am no longer being treated like a regular co-worker. I have received so many stupid comments during my pregnancy, it has affected my attitude about my co-workers and my boss. For example, if I hear, "When are the twins due?" one more time, I'm afraid of what I will say. Other comments such as "Howdy, Slim!" or "You look like you're ready to drop!" are really annoying and insulting.

It's not the mother type of comments that bother me; I am offended by the reference to being fat. It's almost as if they are saying, "Gee, there is something strange and distorted about your body."

Just because it's a public condition, doesn't mean I'm the public domain. I've even had perfect strangers pat my belly! If I patted one of them, they'd call the police.

People just seem to be so uncomfortable about pregnancy at work. I realize they don't intend to be malicious but I just wish they'd just treat me like I'm a co-worker but it's as if they think now that I'm pregnant all I want to talk about is breast feeding and diaper services.

I've even noticed that some men who used to chat with me in the halls haven't spoken to me since I became pregnant. The higher you go on the ladder, it's almost as if they are thinking..."One child is acceptable but two isn't; make your choice between career or kids."

I know I am not alone on this. I have discussed this situation with other women at work and they said they experienced exactly the same thing. We think being pregnant is difficult enough without this. What do you think?

Answer:
During both of my pregnancies I remember thinking, if one more person asks me, "When are you due?" I'm going to scream. After reading your letter, I realized I had recently asked someone that hated question myself! How quickly we forget.

Some people are just plain uncomfortable with pregnant women. Others are truly enthusiastic and enjoy the opportunity to share in the excitement and reminisce about the births of their own children. Asking when a baby is due seems like a good way to show interest and open the conversation but it gets tiresome when it's asked for the thousandth time.

I agree that our society seems to confuse being fat with being pregnant. I've never been able to figure that one out. And since matters concerning sex are largely taboo in the workplace, it makes for a lot of strange reactions.

So what is appropriate to say? Comments I always appreciated were "How are you feeling?" or "You look great!" or "Nice outfit." I also appreciated no comments at all. Frankly, like you, I got sick of talking about it. I just wanted to do my job.

A little extra kindness is also appreciated. If a co-worker had a broken leg, or some other disability, it would be considerate to drop her off at the door instead of making her walk; ask her if she wants to switch parking places if yours is closer, walk the report over instead of making her walk up three flights of stairs. A pregnancy is a similar temporary disability and most women would welcome a little extra kindness.

The best advice to co-workers may be to look past the pregnancy to the person herself. Treat her as if nothing has changed. If she seems interested in discussing her condition, take your cues from her. Acknowledge that she may have a bit of a handicap and offer to help. Practice kindness-not kidding-and you're likely to win a friend.

Internal Consulting Skills for HR Professionals is Joan Lloyd’s intensive, interactive full-day workshop for HR practitioners.  Human resources professionals—both functional experts and generalists—have a new found opportunity to act as internal consultants who can help their organizations with organizational changes, performance coaching, conflict mediation and other value-added services. This workshop focuses on giving HR professionals the tools and strategies they need to help their organizations as well as advance their careers.

As a participant, you will have an opportunity to work on the problems and opportunities you face in your own organization, as well as to hear innovative ideas from other organizations.  Few training opportunities provide this level of intimate, hands-on experience. Call us for information about having Joan Lloyd work with your HR Team (800) 348-1944.  (Occasionally, we run this workshop as an open enrollment training offering.  Subscribe to Joan Lloyd’s “Article of the Week,” where we announce these sessions, as they are scheduled.)