Work and romance can be a tricky mix

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Dear Joan:
Approximately one year ago, a fellow co-worker and I became romantically involved while both still being married. We decided to keep it between just the two of us as long as possible because we work for a small organization. Needless to say, some people assumed what was going on but we were not confronted about it by anyone.

We have since obtained divorces and are now living together. Our employer does not know this nor do they know we are also planning on marrying later this year. Our problem is when do we make some type of formal announcement to our employer. Should we wait until we actually set a date? Do we wait until right before the ceremony or after, or should we have been upfront about our relationship when we decided to move in together? Again, we work for a small company and are not sure what to do, or how it will be received.

A romantic relationship between two people at work tips the balance of power and that is usually why top management and co-workers are concerned about it. Fears surface about things such as special treatment or sharing confidential information. This is especially true if the two of you are in a boss/employee relationship. Once a personal relationship exists, there is a danger that it will spill over into the professional relationship, so you will need to examine how this possibility could impact your employer and the people around you.

The fact that you weren't asked about your relationship before this suggests that you are able to separate your private lives from your job performance. Otherwise, your boss would have likely confronted the situation. This is very important because your employer will want assurances that you will separate your work and home relationship.

Since you are currently divorced, it seems appropriate to start letting people know that you are going to be getting married. Waiting to tell them until the last minute or after the fact will be a surprise to people at work and may make it all seem more secretive than it needs to be. Telling them now will let them get used to the idea. In addition, if your boss has any concerns regarding how you work together, announcing it openly will give your boss "permission" to bring up any concerns.

You may want to tell your boss first. There is no need to go into any details about how the relationship started. Simply let him or her know that you have been seeing each other and you plan to marry but haven't set a date. Then reiterate how you both feel about professionalism at work and ask your manager if he or she sees any potential problems. For instance, if you work in the same department, your manager may feel it's important to have one of you move to a different area. Or, perhaps taking vacations together would pose a problem with the workload. Think through any possible options in advance and be ready to offer ideas.

Since some of your co-workers may have known your former spouses or have other judgments about your relationship, be prepared for some negative reactions when they hear the news (which may be why you're concerned about announcing it). Stay friendly and don't get defensive about any comments you may hear. If anyone probes into the history of your relationship, respond with a pre-determined statement that both of you agree to use. Their interest will wane if you don't make a big deal out of it and you respond to their curiosity with a mature attitude.

Once you tell people of your plans, they will study the way you both handle yourselves at work. This is not the time for the two of you to eat lunch together or chat in the halls. Any personal contact should be purely professional.

If you don't plan to invite anyone from work to the wedding, tell people upfront that it is going to be a small, private ceremony. This will avoid an awkward situation later.

The only way to find out how the news will be received is to announce it. Continuing to hide the relationship will only make people more uncomfortable when it finally does come out.

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