Boss’ son is a problem and father adds to it

Dear Joan:
I was working at the company for eight years and established a professional and personal relationship with my boss. One summer, my boss told the department that his son was going to help out and asked me to show him what to do and help him out. He asked me not to treat him any different than any of the other employees and instructed the other members of the department to do the same, not to treat him as the "boss' son." His son was very young and very immature. That is why he wanted his son to help out; he wanted his son to become more mature and take on more responsibility.

Things weren't going too well with the boss' son and everyone was saying it was a bad idea to have his son working for the company. One situation occurred when the boss' son was not doing things properly and I told him what he was doing wrong in a firm voice. Well, the next day I got called into the boss' office and he told me I was wrong telling his son what to do. I explained to my boss that he told me not to treat his son any different than the other employees but he still yelled at me. This has put a big strain on our personal relationship. How should I handle things now?

Answer:
It's no wonder his son is immature and irresponsible. As long as this young man can run to dad every time someone does something he doesn't like, he has no reason to grow up. It seems likely that the son has been pushing dad's buttons for years...and getting just the reaction he's after. His father is at least half of the problem and probably doesn't even know it.

If this owner truly wants his son to become more mature and take on more responsibility, he would be wise to have him work for someone else for awhile. Then his son would be on a level playing field and would have to compete and perform like everybody else. In fact, many business owners insist that their children work elsewhere first. It builds their confidence, they learn new skills to bring back to the family business and they gain a perspective about what it feels like to be a normal employee, without the added protection of the blood connection.

Unless he takes strong, consistent steps to change things now, the owner's grief is just beginning. If the son finds that he can manipulate his father, he will push the limits until the owner is forced to step in to repair the damage. Like a temperamental toddler, he will throw tantrums and manipulate situations to get what he wants. Sometimes in cases such as this, it becomes a power game between parent and child, while the powerless employees become victims, co-conspirators or peacemakers. The rest simply leave.

It always sounds good in theory but actually treating a family member "just like everyone else" is pretty tough to do. Parents have undeniable expectations and aspirations for their children and they don't disappear when they are at work-in fact they can intensify.

Even if the boss carefully guards against preferential treatment, the rest of the employees are cautious. They know that parent and child talk informally and discuss work events and people. Co-workers think twice about talking candidly for fear the message will be carried to the owner. These young people are at a significant disadvantage in many respects because they may not get the honest feedback of a normal employee. And they will certainly never be "one of the guys."

It's probably necessary to clear the air with your boss and discuss his real definition of "equal" treatment for his son. After the dust has settled, approach your boss and in a non-defensive manner tell him that you thought you were doing what he wanted you to do with his son. Explain that you misread his expectations and that you want to know exactly how to treat his son in the future because you don't want future situations to damage your relationship with him.

If the father re-states that you are to treat the son the same as anyone else, give him some examples of problem situations that have occurred (or could occur) and ask him to explain exactly what you should do. Ask him if your "firm voice" would have been appropriate for other employees.

If he expects you to teach his son responsibility, tell your boss that you won't be able to do that unless he agrees to back you up 100 percent. Use the analogy of a child playing one parent against the other. Explain that if he won't support you, you feel that the father should be the one who the son answers to...since you will be a powerless middleman.

Maybe some gentle but honest conversations will make your boss realize the best way to teach his son responsibility is to force him to face the consequences of his actions. Bailing him out will make the father feel heroic at his son's expense and in the end, could ruin his son and destroy the business he's worked so hard to build.

Confronting poor performance, or difficult behaviors, is difficult.  Joan Lloyd’s How to Coach & Give Feedback learning system is a step-by-step approach to giving feedback to your employees, your coworkers, or even your boss.  Actually reduces defensiveness and encourages open communication.  Now available in CD!