Busybody’s annoying habits may be reaction to clique

Dear Joan:
A group of us here in a small office have a problem with a co-worker. Since joining our staff, she has slowly alienated most of us with her constant bragging, self-righteousness, one-upmanship, etc. Worst of all, she butts into every conversation. No matter what the topic, she has seen it, done it or knows more about it than anyone else.

Needless to say, her comments are unsolicited. She has gotten to the point of physically situating herself between two people as they speak, interrupting their conversation.

We are at a loss as to how to handle this. Our office is small enough so that we hesitate to make waves, and no one feels comfortable enough to tell her to "butt out!" (as we'd like to). Ignoring her is ineffective, her intrusions merely increase. But something needs to be done; this woman is slowly destroying what has been a friendly and relaxed work environment.

Answer:
Someone's going to have to tell "Buttinsky" to buttoutsky. Unfortunately, Buttinsky's intense desire to become one of the group may be the root of the problem.

Before you confront this person with her behavior, however, it would be wise to check your own. Some small-office groups tend to get cliquey. They resemble tight family groups. The social parameters are set, the pecking order defined and the roles are clear. The new person may feel like an unloved sister-in-law who doesn't fit. And nobody is explaining the private jokes.

Perhaps the group could make an effort to include her. Simply asking for her opinion or including her in an after-hours social event could extinguish some of her undesirable behaviors. If you've already made an honest attempt to listen, recognize and include her, you may have to resort to hitting her over the head with it.

The question is, Who will do the hitting and how hard will she have to be hit? If a member of the group is willing, here's one approach. A group member could take Buttinsky aside and say: "It appears that you don't feel accepted by the group. Is it something we've done?" To this question, you will probably get the reply, "What do you mean?" Be ready with specific behavioral descriptions: "I've noticed that sometimes you sit between two people when they're in a discussion, and interject your own story."

She may become defensive. If she does, a little empathy might be useful: "I can understand how difficult it must be to break into our tight little group."

With any luck, she'll open up and reveal some of her concerns. If she does, listen and give her some honest coaching.

Another way to approach the problem is to ask your boss to intervene. You’ll need to provide him or her with an objective view. Petty backbiting is out. You'll look like the problem. Be prepared to tell your boss the history of the situation, what you have done to solve it and how it is affecting your work. Make it clear that you are speaking for the group. But if Buttinsky improves, the group should respond positively. If she doesn't, your boss may have a personality (and a performance) problem to deal with.