Co-workers should attend brash young bride’s lavish wedding

Dear Joan:

We have a problem now that one person in our small office is getting married this December. The three owners are on the road 95 percent of the time, and there is no "office manager" per se. The six of us in the office get along quite well, but it is in part because we keep work separate from home and play. We have never really socialized after work.

Our bride-to-be co-worker is planning a lavish wedding ($13,000+!). And she is insisting that we are all invited, while we would prefer to not attend at all. We really are in a spot, because to refuse her would cause months, if not years, of pouting and hard feelings. She won't listen to reasonable hints and gets very defensive if any kind of suggestion is made.

She is registered in all of the most exclusive shops in the area, and has boldly informed us what modern etiquette requires the guests to spend on a gift. Please comment on this and offer some advice. You may not be able to change this bride's mind, but maybe you could keep this from happening in another office.

Answer:
Maybe I can even change your minds. Although I understand that you wish to keep work and home separate, I think you're missing the boat on this one. Your co-worker's wedding is a major event in her life and she wants to include you in the celebration. She isn't asking you to form a bowling league or a volleyball team. She only wants you to show up on the most important day of her life. You don't even need to attend the entire event. A few hours will do. If you refuse to attend, you will look as if you are rejecting her--whether you mean to or not.

Dare I say that all of us at one time or another has attended a wedding that we would have rather skipped? Like dear old Aunt Millie's daughter who finally married that banker from Paduka. You really wanted to clean your closets but you knew how much it meant to your dear old aunt, so you went. You're in the same situation here. It would cause more strife and hard feelings to turn your back on the event. Sometimes it's just best to do what's politically correct.

If you worked in a large office, the absence of a few of you probably wouldn’t make that much difference but with only six people in the whole office, if will be obvious. The questions it would raise are obvious: Don't they like me? Are they angry with me? Why are they refusing to come?

As far as the gift is concerned, why not chip in and buy one gift together from the whole office? That way each of you is contributing the same amount and you can't be compared with each other. If the bride feels that you haven't spent enough money, that's her problem. It was very bad taste to mention how much people should spend in the first place. (Is her tactlessness the real reason you all want to boycott this event?)

Try to put yourselves in her place. What if your spouse died and your co-workers refused to come to the funeral to show their support? Or, perhaps you were getting married and you and your spouse invited each of your co-workers, but yours refused to come. What if you get seriously ill and find yourself in the hospital but your co-workers fail to come and visit. Would you accept the logical reason of separating work and personal lives? Black and white logic suddenly becomes gray.

The point is, separating work and personal lives makes sense but you may be carrying things to the extreme. Your lives are intertwined simply because you work together and with that cooperative relationship comes some responsibilities on your part--if you want to have any peace and harmony back at work.

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