Damage control after affair won’t be easy

Dear Joan:
I have had a month long affair with my secretary and my wife does not know. I have recently broken off the affair, but things at work have yet to return to normal. My secretary insists on continuing the affair. She won't listen to me and is now starting to be open with her affection. My boss mentioned something about me having an affair with her but I denied it. She is starting to jeopardize my job. What should I do?

Answer:
Office affairs are never a wise idea and your letter points to why. Affairs gone sour-especially between managers and their employees-often end up in a bitter fight that can spoil careers...and marriages.

The secretary is using a bit of office blackmail to manipulate you. By showing her affection openly she is trying to scare you into resuming the relationship. And it's working. She may have seen to it that your boss just "happened" to hear about the affair. If this doesn't work, she may escalate her "affection" by telling others in the company, embarrassing you in front of co-workers or even informing your wife. Her reasons are hard to gauge; she may be demonstrating this aggressive behavior because she actually believes the pressure will bring you back or she may be trying to hurt you on purpose to get even. How far she'll go is the big question. And like Glenn Close's character in "Fatal Attraction," a lot depends on how mature and emotionally balanced your secretary is.

The affair cannot be undone, so let's examine what your choices are. First, you could continue to deny everything and point the finger of blame at her. You could label her a "Whacko" who is making up lies because she has a fixation on you. Although it may seem like the easy way out, this approach doesn't say much about your character and integrity. In the end, there is a good chance others will find out the truth anyway and then you'll look even worse-and "liar" will be added to their list of descriptives.

The opposite approach - to tell all and beg for mercy- may not be ideal either. First of all, it will anger your boss to know you lied to him the first time around. Further, your manager will feel compelled to tell others above him. He will be nervous about what to do. If he moves you or fires you or the secretary, he may be worried about legal ramifications. For example, the company could end up in a law suit if one or both of you sued for being fired (a similar case is being decided in San Diego this week- where both parties were fired from a company that had no dating policy- and the company stands to lose over $5 million). Consequently, your boss will be nervous about what to do and will want to protect the company from possible legal action. Your manager will not be inclined to protect you since you lied to him and he will be worried about his own political standing in the company.

Whether or not to tell your wife is another dilemma. There are several schools of thought:

1.  If you tell her, you risk the marriage for an affair that's over. Instead, you could learn from your mistake and work on your relationship.
2.  If you tell her, you can "come clean" and you both may be able to work on the problem that caused the affair in the first place, providing she can forgive you. You decide.

A lot depends on your secretary. If she is mature enough to see the damage she is doing to both of you, she may stop and things may blow over...but I wouldn't count on it. No matter what happens, it's very likely that your reputation has been permanently tarnished at this company. Even if this all fades away, the rumors will persist. The fact that your boss confronted you means he has good evidence that it's true. I think your only option is to leave as fast as you can and start over in a new job.

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