Fight fear – motivation boss with tact

Dear Joan:
Your article [about fear as a motivator] was of great interest to me. You hit the nail straight on as far as my supervisor. If I didn't know better, I would have thought that my supervisor was the model for you. Now how about a follow-up article with the theme of "How do you survive a fear-motivated supervisor"?

Some suggestions might be:

1.      Describe diplomatic methods of discussion.

2.      How to react positively rather than to be triggered into inappropriate behavior.

3.      Is intervention a method that could be safely used on this type of individual?

4.      Do you confront such a person as this?

5.      Is the only solution to leave?

Answer:
The first thing you need to do when dealing with a boss who tries to intimidate through power and fear is to analyze your risk. If you've been taking the beating for years and suddenly you rise up in self-defense, he or she is likely to be startled and threatened.  So, the goal isn't to get even-it's to improve the relationship and only you can decide if it's worth doing.

Here's a technique to try when you want to be diplomatic: "I statements." An I statement describes how you feel and doesn't blame or guess the motives of the other person. It will be hard to get mad at you when you use an I statement because you are describing how you feel, not blaming someone else.

An I statement has three parts: 1. A non-blaming description of the other person's behavior 2. How it makes you feel 3. The behavior you would prefer. For instance, instead of saying, "You're really unfair and I resent being yelled at in front of a customer!" try this, "(1) when you were telling me what I did wrong in front of the customer, (2) I felt very embarrassed and humiliated. (3) I don't mind being corrected if I make a mistake but please do it privately."

The best way to stay positive and not go for the throat of a boss like this is to say nothing after you've been treated unfairly but come back later with your words carefully measured. Confronting an insensitive boss usually ends up with a loser-and you know who that is.

The hardest part is choosing neutral words that won't trigger an angry counterattack. For instance, "When you were screaming at me in front of the customer..." will likely end in a shouting match about whether or not he was indeed "screaming".

Bringing in a third party for an intervention can be successful but only if it is carefully done. For example, his or her boss must be aware of the intervention and support it. Unless the offending manager realizes his or her boss expects a behavior change, little is likely to happen. In fact, I've seen cases where the outside facilitator got people to open up and confront their manager in a "touchy-feely" session and failed to recognize what would happen when the facilitator walked away. Steps must be taken to make sure the boss won't retaliate once the intervention is over.

Here's a technique for bosses who are stingy with information about what their expectations are or only tell you what they don't like: After your next project, make an appointment and follow these steps:1. What exactly did you like about the project? 2. Do you have any suggestions for what to do differently next time? 3. Repeat back any criticisms in a neutral way and probe for more specifics. (For example, "You feel that the report wasn't thorough enough?") 4. Repeat #2.

Working with the boss from hell can be stressful, demeaning and de-motivating but if you're a skillful communicator you can get what you need and help your boss learn a more effective style at the same time.

Confronting poor performance, or difficult behaviors, is difficult.  Joan Lloyd’s How to Coach & Give Feedback learning system is a step-by-step approach to giving feedback to your employees, your coworkers, or even your boss.  Actually reduces defensiveness and encourages open communication.  Now available in CD!