Minimize stress – don’t date boss

Dear Joan:
I feel that I am in a dilemma and I could use your advice. I am a professional in a large company. I have been in my job for three years and I have done a good job. My performance reviews are always "outstanding" and I get along with the people I work with.

I am single (female) and 24 years old. I have always made sure that I never dated anyone at work because I know it could lead to complications but now I find that I'm second guessing my own rule. My boss is 32 and divorced (six months ago) and I'm sure he is attracted to me. He seems to find excuses to have lunch with me and talk to me. I have tried to ignore his interest in me but I must admit, I wouldn't mind dating him.

Do you think the rule of "never date your boss" is still true or have things begun to loosen up now. If I did date him, I would keep it discreet and never talk about it at work. He is very dedicated and I know we would be professional at work (he doesn't play favorites, etc).

I like my job and don't want to leave the company so this situation is making me uncomfortable. I feel like I'm going to have to make a decision soon. What should I do? Thanks for your help.

Answer:
Imagine that you are out on a date with your boss and decide to go to the movies. You're standing in line to get in and who should approach but your boss's boss and his wife. Do you feel your heart pound and your face flush as you both try to disappear?

Now, let's suppose that you go to a quiet restaurant in a nearby town. Just as you both begin to look over the menu, a voice from across the room calls your name. You lose your appetite as you realize it's your friend (with the big mouth) from a different department of your company.

Are you having fun yet?

Worse, let's say it's a year later and time for your annual performance review. Your boss, acting very objectively, rates you lower in one category - which you disagree with. How will you keep your personal and professional relationship separate then? Or how about the reverse...you are rated higher than ever. Will you wonder if your rating would have been as high if you weren't dating? All of these scenarios assume the relationship would last. What if it had a messy ending?

OK, OK, to be fair, what if you got married and lived happily ever after? You can bet you'd have to leave your job. You might even have to leave your company. A black cloud he couldn’t escape would probably shadow your husband’s career at the company. Top management would wonder about his judgment...and melodramas like this have a long life. I hope I've scared you out of the idea.

So now what do you do? The first thing you should do is stop all encouraging behaviors. Make lunch plans well in advance with co-workers and people from other departments. When your boss visits your desk, keep the talk focused on work related topics and be the first to say, "Well, I'd better get back to work!"

Pay attention to your own body language. Don't say things with your eyes, your smile or your body that you don't want misinterpreted. Make a conscience effort to keep your facial expression serious and businesslike. Try to include other co-workers in your discussions.

If your boss should openly discuss his attraction for you, reply by telling him you're flattered but you realize it’s in both of your best interests to keep your relationship professional.

I spoke with some local women who have some creative ways of avoiding these situations in their workplaces: A female accountant at a local firm regularly mentions her "boy friend" at the office. She actually has no romantic relationship with her male friend but she says, "It keeps things simple if my clients and male colleagues think I'm unavailable." Another single woman actually wears a wedding ring. "I've never had a problem, but I decided to do it because in sales I'm always entertaining customers and I wouldn't want a situation to become awkward."

Maybe the best way out of this situation is to find someone else to date. The sooner your boss does the same thing, the better off you'll both be.

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